Because I have seven dogs, three of whom are old, dodder-y and generally incontinent, as well as one who is still fighting the effects of a chemo treatment, I may discover, usually with my bare feet, strategically deposited piles of poop, or puddles of  gak-up throughout my house. Therefore, I am always on the look out for the latest, greatest and most efficient way to clean up these “surprises,” after I’ve soaked them from out between my toes, typically around 4 0’clock in the morning.

Imagine my excitement, then,  in finding “Poop Freeze” in one of the ten thousand dog products magazines I receive on a daily basis. (This is NOT a product endorsement…yet… but my own experience with this marvel of modern science.) Sure enough, I had cause to use “Poop Freeze” almost immediately. Pathetically enough, I was actually looking forward  to testing it. Not much rockin’ my world, except my dog’s regurgitated supper.

As its name suggests, “Poop Freeze” immobilizes the subject matter by “freezing” it with a temperature of  -165 degrees.  Spray it directly on the mess, and it becomes as hard as  cement.  The instructions say to spray on one side, then flip it, and spray the other side, and “simply” pick it up. Because I was just so delighted at having a product that would eliminate scraping, spraying, deodorizing and hauling out my  dump truck size rug shampooer every other day,  I missed that last part about “flipping,” “spray the other side,” and  “simply.”  Instead, I let it sit several minutes for added effectiveness, while I went in search of something with which to “simply” scoop up the now solidified lake of dog vomit.

When I returned, this once liquid mass was as firmly frozen to my rug as three miles of Siberian permafrost. It was NOT comin’ up, “simply” or otherwise.  The edges of the mess had grown roots that wrapped themselves around the individual carpet fibers like little hands, and they were not going to let go without a major fight.  After briefly contemplating the use of a box cutter to “simply” remove the entire section of rug, I decided that, “Ah-HAH! I’ ll “simply”crack it with a hammer!”

It took several minutes to locate the hammer, and by the time I got back to the spot, the appearance of the goop had altered slightly, but I didn’t waste time thinking about the implications of  why it no longer had that shiny, frostbitten aspect.  “Take that, you sucker,” I thought, as I gave it a solid smack with the hammer.  Caution: Freeze effects wear off after several minutes. Seems I overlooked that small bit of information, as well.  I’ll be cleaning dog barf off my curtains, bookshelf , books and a couple of cats, for days to come.

Standing with dripping hammer, slimed cats, books and eyebrows, my only recourse was to RE-freeze the splatter, and “simply” monitor its metamorphosis from lake to glacier.  I hovered over it with a paint scraper and utility knife at hand to quickly cut and scratch it up. In seconds, I had the majority of everything chopped into at least a million little vomit balls all over the rug.  Before they liquified again, I vacuumed them up.  I’m just hoping they didn’t thaw out in my vacuum cleaner bag. I’m afraid to look.

I will definitely use this product again.  Its only fault seems to be in “pilot error.” However, I will be sure to have both a blowtorch and a wetvac handy, just in case my timing is off. Now, if only I can find a miracle in a can that removes freezer burns, “simply,” from carpets.